Friday, 15 March 2019

Poem Seven Years Ago

Seven years ago today
You took your leave of me
This Earth was not where you belonged
Nor where you longed to be

Never held you in my arms
You cradled me instead
Bleeding on the kitchen floor
I said my baby’s dead

You didn’t mean to come and stay
Off back home you flew
My toddler hugged me tightly
She saw me cry, she knew

You woke me up and guided me
You’re with me every day
And now I understand
This is the way we play

I see your light behind the clouds
Feel you tingling in my nose
You’re my baby in the spirit world
Forever Victoria Rose
Monday, 4 March 2019

Menopause treatment working well to minimise Endometriosis pain

Thank you to people who have asked about my ongoing treatment for #endometriosis, a condition which I’ve likely had all my life but was only diagnosed in 2017.  In June 2017 I had surgery to remove the disease which made me feel 5 years younger. It was like having a new lease of life compared with all the pain I’d been in since 2011 including passing out with both pain and excessive blood loss.

After only a few months, however, the endo grew back and has been increasingly debilitating.  Since last Christmas I was in chronic levels of pain and had to act swiftly to significantly reduce my workload as the pain was so severe the medication I needed to deal with it was so strong it knocked out my brain cells and energy levels completely.  Even normal household activities had become a real struggle again.

I’m now having treatment to induce the menopause whilst I’m waiting for surgery (which is the only long term and hopefully permanent way to remove the disease).  The treatment seems to be working pretty well to reduce the pain levels at the moment.  On balance, the side effects of the hormone treatment are so much more manageable than the pain itself.

Very many people are living with conditions that we don’t talk about or understand well and my heart goes out to them.  Endometriosis feels especially cruel because like many diseases, it’s unseen.
Thank you to all those who have shown support and care in understanding the impact on my daily life.  Working 2 jobs and being a single mum is a tough enough call but managing a chronic pain condition on top of it has often felt like too much to bear and at times, pretty hopeless.

Most of all thank you to all those who understand my desire to talk about this disease, which is more common than asthma and yet hopelessly misdiagnosed in most women for years, passed off as IBS or “normal” women’s pain (even when you’re passing out and telling the GP you’d rather give birth than have a period).

So glad to see that menstrual wellbeing is now being taught in schools so that others may understand normal and abnormal levels of pain and not have their condition undermined and invalidated on top of the pain.

Wednesday, 13 February 2019

4 in 5 Senior Clerics in Vatican are Gay - tell us something we don't know

The Creation of Adam, Vatican

Beautiful title and blindingly obvious.  The crumbling of the patriarchy continues.  What did we ever expect with male-dominated rule, rule by force, and those who tell others how to behave whilst repressing their own human desire?  I don’t know about you, but I’ve really had more than my fill of judgement, rule and hierarchy.

What has been enforced upon others turns out to be the projection of their own repressed human desire.  I hope those most guilty of hypocrisy will learn to find beauty in their vulnerability.

This nonsense has created polarisation for centuries: men versus women, strong versus weak, do as I say, not as I do: it’s more than time for a new script.  We can see this happening everywhere in our world right now as those who hang on tightly to forces of ego and domination fare the worst, rising in anger rather than in love.

There are challenges for us in witnessing the public hypocrisy of fallible, out-of-balance human beings who have chosen a lifepath as dogmatic religious leaders.  That is not to swing to the opposite extreme and reject a higher path altogether.

I feel sad when I see people using stories like this as an opportunity to turn away from the beauty of spiritual wisdom.  We are all magical beings.  Do not let anyone take away your inner divinity.

We can borrow from ancient times to heal what is wounded in our world right now: the opportunity to heal is already within us.  Hypocrisy and dogma have never spoken on behalf of love and acceptance.

This story is first-rate instruction in the perils of allowing the unhealed to lead.  The old wounds have to heal before the new can come in.  Keep pointing towards a world in which we seek integration, truth, love and justice.

Tuesday, 5 February 2019

What is Parent Alienation?

It’s my belief that everyone in society is affected by or has been affected by some form of abuse.   Sorting it out is not an easy task, either on a personal level or on a wider societal level.  It’s work that I’m motivated to engage in.  The reason I’m writing my book on Understanding Abuse is that I believe the solutions start with understanding and education on the patterns of abuse and how to get away from it.

Today I want to give you an overview on Parent Alienation.

Parent alienation is a form of child abuse that goes largely unreported and under-discussed.  It’s swept under the carpet, although that’s not clear why.  Maybe because it’s so scary how common it is or because the pathological parent is too difficult to contain or control.  Those can’t be reasons not to speak up about it and get some proper systems in place to tackle it.

I can’t give you statistics on its prevalence in the UK because of the aforementioned lack of reporting.  It’s barely recognised by the UK Government and rarely discussed in Parliament.  But there are online groups with thousands of people affected by it (and the effects are very serious), all reporting the same behavioural patterns, the same troubles, and those people are speaking up and getting their voices heard.  CAFCASS admit there is a lot of work to do but thankfully they are getting on board with its seriousness.

The topic of Parent Alienation did get an airing on the BBC yesterday which is amazing news.
Millions of children are growing up estranged from one of their parents because of the deliberate brainwashing and destruction of the child-parent bond by the other parent.  The reasons vary, and the only solutions that can work are:

2.       Get the pathological parent to a psychotherapist to sort out what on earth is going on in their heads to cause this behaviour

Number 1 is a problem because the law is wishy washy and likes separated parents to play nicely and pretend to be friends.  The law regularly perpetuates the cycle of abuse by sending children back to pathological parents and patronising the targeted parent, because child abuse was not detected (and how could it be when a psychological assessment is so rarely ordered?)

An underpaid and overworked Social Worker with little training is simply not equipped to detect the levels of underhanded covert abuse of the pathological parent.  As with everything nowadays, there’s this obsession with structures and systems to the point where people even in their professions, are delivered of the need to actually use their human emotion and judgement.  Killing human impulse cannot be effective.  Any fool ought to be able to see that taking a pathetic tick box and overly-structured systems of pointless paperwork to detect and resolve deeply ingrained embedded pathological abuse is not fit for purpose.  But why isn’t anyone doing anything about it?  It's too easy for agencies to pass the buck between each other and ultimately do nothing.

The targeted parent is told they know nothing by the lawyers, when they are precisely the ones with all the knowledge.  They are the ones we should be listening to, not doing more victim blaming.  We have a system that actively disregards the number 1 rule of solving abuse which is remove the victim from the source of abuse.  Stuck in this system, you can’t get your child away.

Number 2 is a problem because the pathological parent displays behaviour that is always right, outrageously difficult, manipulative, deceitful and is the least likely person to ever get near a psychotherapist’s couch.  (Sadly, given that they need it most.)  Threatening to break down their ego structures is like a threat on their life.  They will simply up their game, step up their abuse and step up their false allegations.  Anything to stop them looking at whatever issues lie inside them that need resolving.

There’s a misconception of what causes a parent to behave in this way.  Each person has developed their pathology their own way throughout the course of their own lives.  Thus, only they can unpick it – and let’s be honest, that could take years.  Meanwhile, the child deserves to be removed from psychological and emotional harm and deserves to have a chance at a healthy functioning relationship with the non-pathological parent.  I am not advocating that the child be removed permanently from the pathological parent - but that emotional health must be restored before that relationship can be functional.

There are misconceptions around what causes the pathological parent to act out in this way and abuse their own child.  All parents who have been the targeted or erased parent will have attachment to their own situation, whether it seems to be motivated by financial gain or an extension of Intimate Partner Violence, perhaps only a psychologist could truly say.

The epidemic of parent alienation is a massive problem for society: it is abuse on a huge scale from childhood.  IT AFFECTS EVERYONE – those children who have grown up in healthy functioning families will soon become young adults and take their pick of future partners from the children who have been alienated from their primary care givers, with Mum or Dad attempting to erase the other.

The systems are currently not fit for purpose in the UK and US.  I perceive both a lack of psychological and spiritual understanding of the patterns of behaviour.

Additionally, the people who could actually take action are those in the legal system, however, since they stand to gain financially from the misery and long drawn out court proceedings that ensue from cases like these, there is little motivation for them to work to resolve it.

The people who can take up the mantle here are those who have been affected and managed to come out the other side.  For many targeted parents, sadly “the other side” includes a life where they may be estranged from their own child or children.  I sympathise with and applaud all of the erased and targeted parents who have been affected by this horrendous abuse on both them and their children or grandchildren.  Many of them are working for a change in the system so that others do not go through what they have suffered.

There is so much work to do.

Wednesday, 30 January 2019

Review of Diane M Denton’s book - Without the Veil Between, Anne Brontë: A Fine and Subtle Spirit

This novel is both historical fiction and a work of art.  It is perfect for anyone who wishes to understand more about the life of Anne Bronte and all the people around her: the book is suitable for any reader regardless of prior knowledge of the Bronte story.  Reading this novel is like a literary immersive experience that transports the reader back in time.

Diane’s writing is a joy to read, deliciously detailed and with a poetic turn of phrase maintained throughout.  There is a subtlety conveyed on these pages that permeates the essence of Anne.  It’s clear that the author must have spent a long time carefully researching Anne’s character and details of her life, but it’s so much more than that – there’s an extra indefinable layer of permeation and awareness that hints at a deeper and wider understanding of Anne’s character, an authenticity that few authors capture so sensitively.

It did take me a long time to read this book partially because the pace is so different from modern soundbites that we grow used to, and my own scattered attention, but that is part of its essential beauty and charm.  Just something to be aware of as it’s a book that demands periods of time to be set aside, it’s not something to be dipped in and out of.

I was very fond of the illustrations to the point where I purchased two signed editions of the author’s pictures.  Artwork can be purchased direct from the author illustrator here.  The prints arrived very quickly and well wrapped.  I feel Diane sympathetically captured the Bronte sisters both in writing and imagery.

Images from the book's interior

As Anne Bronte’s bicentenary year grows closer and as the topics she wrote and cared about emerge ever bigger in the media, I hope more people will come to know Anne and her work.  This book is a wonderful place to become engrossed and immersed in Anne’s life.  A book about a very sensitive, capable writer, written by a very sensitive, capable writer.

Friday, 25 January 2019

Endometriosis – exploding the myths and thank you Science

I saw an endometriosis specialist this week. It was fantastic to get a full and honest appraisal of my illness, statistics, prognosis and action plan by the very person who knew the most about it in this region.  I was very reassured by his manner and professionalism.  The obs and gynae specialist I saw in November was right to refer me to an endometriosis specialist.  There are 49 specialist centres in the UK.

The next 6 months or so won’t be an easy journey but I left with more than I expected - clear information, having been listened to fully and a plan of action.

The only long-term solution for endometriosis is its successful removal by surgery following which there will be 3-4 weeks recovery.  I remember being totally brainless for 3 weeks after the surgery last time, so I must now plan for the continuation of my business during and after surgery.

The surgical appointment which is being done on the NHS (despite the appointment this week being private), will hopefully come up in 4-6 months time.

Before then I will need a great deal of drugs to suppress the growth of the disease, meaning that surgery will be less extensive and recovery time hopefully shorter.  The recommended course of action is to have an induced menopause.  Simultaneously I'll be given HRT to minimise the effects of the menopause such as hot flushes and brittle bones.  This is something of a shock and makes me a little apprehensive as these drugs will take a while to get used to.

Still, it was good to leave with the facts and an outcome. There are still many misconceptions about the disease. Such as did you know endometriosis is more common than asthma?  Neither did I!

The consultant took care to answer all my questions and to be as reassuring as possible.  I had an observation: I said there seems to be a mystery around where the disease comes from and this is a source of worry and confusion for everyone who suffers with it.

Thank you, Science

He agreed, but gave a very clear explanation of the most likely cause.  Bear in mind he's the region's specialist.  When baby girls are developing as embryos in their mother's womb, not all of the endometrium cells that belong inside their womb make it to their correct destination i.e. inside the womb.

Some cells are scattered throughout other parts of the abdomen, such as the bowel, the outside of the womb, the fallopian tubes, the ovaries, the neck of the vagina, the back of the womb near the back, on your POD.  The POD by the way is your Pouch of Douglas - this is for real, did you know there was a woman's body part called the Pouch of Douglas?!  Still not sure whether this is revolting or funny.

"You've had it all your life"

The consultant said you've likely had the disease all your life with symptoms since puberty because the endometrium cells behave in exactly the same way as your womb lining, contracting, bleeding and attempting to shed each month.  Except it's just general pain throughout your abdomen when the contracting and bleeding pain is associated with other organs.

Let me just state that no person can be inside the felt experience of another person, so how is a girl / woman ever to know what is a normal level of pain?  Period pain or abdominal pain is regularly passed off as something you should just be able to deal with.  I got to the point of flaking out in my mid thirties before I thought to see a GP.

He said many women with endo have been misdiagnosed with IBS throughout their younger years.  That certainly applies to me.  Anyone else with me on this?  If doctors are only just becoming truly aware of the illness then they wouldn't have been able to diagnose it previously.  If the last GP I saw is anything to go by, then there is much training still to do.

Then I thought of my “bad back” which I've always been put down to being tall but it’s more like the pain of endometriosis growing there too, since the pain disappeared following endo surgery in 2017.  I feel a lot of women will have been in the same position and have likely endured years of unexplained random abdominal pain.  What starts as pain timed with menstrual bleeding can become pain upon more pain as the endo grows itself (it has nowhere to go, so the cells stick and multiply).

Hearing this explanation from a highly trained specialist was both a relief and quite a big thing to contemplate. Science says Endo is an unlucky fact of nature and one for which there can be a cure for most women if only you can see the right specialist.  If only doctors knew more about it.

I did mention some of the misconceptions floating around the internet.  Support groups are both helpful and terrifying. Someone has always got a scare story.

It is absolutely worth stating here that every woman with endo will experience slightly different symptoms.  A woman who has it on her bladder will report different symptoms to a woman who has it on her ovaries, outside of her womb or bowel.  It is also worth noting that a hysterectomy will only be successful for a woman who has extensive endo on her WOMB.  If she has it on her bowel then removing the womb ain't going to help.

The psychology of unheard pain

The specialist was extremely understanding of the psychological impact on women who have experienced undiagnosed pain for most of their lives, decades in many cases.  The psychological impact on a woman's life of having her pain unheard, minimised or marginalised is undoubtedly traumatic.  For this to go on for years and for that woman to be finally pain free, is a massive psychological adjustment in itself that can produce many deep emotions.

I have many emotions and thoughts still percolating, mainly around the well-meaning but terrible advice I've received from other women, which I am going to record in a separate post.

Personally I intend to come away from online groups and to arm myself with proven scientific facts and a focus on future wellness because that course of action feels right for me.

Follow Endometriosis UK for updated on their work to help spread awareness of the disease.

Friday, 18 January 2019

Endometriosis - helping yourself with a focus on wellness and health

Been trying to make some positive health shifts from bodily illness to wellness.  Being ill can mess with your head so much.

I met a friend and she said “focus on what you want to bring into your body.  Your body is amazing and it is capable of healing itself.  Just treat your body right and it will do the rest.”

Wow.  Her words were so positive!  You know when someone says something and you go YES! That message was meant for me. Now. Today. Right this second. Light bulb!

She was using law of attraction the other way round to how I keep hearing it.  I keep hearing people say go backwards, look to the past to resolve your illness.  It was created in the past so you have to go back there to solve it.

But my past contains trauma and the whole thing has been re-traumatising and upsetting me.  So what if my illness was created in the past?  I’m dealing with it now!

With the best of intentions another friend advised “Join an online forum about your illness”.

But oh good grief, the pain and depression these women are in is hideous to witness.  It’s like magnifying my pain and then some. Reading up on the condition and “what might happen” just places the focus back on how no one knows the causes, there’s a lack of support and waiting times are utterly disproportionate and inappropriate for the symptoms.  Result?  Focus on illness. Focus on pain. What do you get? More illness, more pain.

Obviously visioning future wellness is going to work a hell of a lot better. I’m so glad my friend suddenly arranged to meet.  We went for a coffee and catch up but neither of us drank coffee and both of us provided some kind of synchronistic coaching session for each other. I gave her business advice and she gave me health tips! Win-win.

The marvellous creation I whipped up today on my friend's advice contains spinach, ginger, lemon and pineapple.  It was surprisingly palatable and boy did I feel virtuous!

Started keeping a food diary, taking my supplements (some of which I had and just didn’t take, duh).

Did an easy yoga practice this morning and loved it.

Tried to cut out caffeine and gave myself a massive headache.  Maybe reduce is a better way to go!

Reduced sugar and alcohol – I mean this is not a massive shift, it’s just common sense right? Can’t believe how I have been reaching for props to get me through the day.  My system has been on overload and exhaustion.

Been doing some breathing exercises and found I’m sleeping better too.

Do let me know if you've had illness and managed to improve your symptoms through healthy habits and a focus on wellness.

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Thursday, 17 January 2019

What Anne Bronte means to me - marking 199 years since Anne Bronte’s birth

Anne Bronte was born on 17 January 1820, which is 199 years ago today.   

It’s no exaggeration for me to say that the entrance of Anne Bronte’s novels and her own life story appeared in my life so dramatically and at such a well-timed juncture, to make its meaning life-changing for me, the detail and implications of which are still being ruminated upon.  I'm slowly drip feeding the meaning I make into books and blogs and thank you to those who support and read the little I publish on here, my own blog.

The view south from Anne's grave

What Anne means to me

On a practical front, as readers know, I live close to Anne’s grave and try to keep it looking nice.  Her grave is highly popular with visitors all year round and it’s no wonder owing to the location.  Today it’s both blustery and snowing.  It was snowing when Anne was born in 1820.

Back when the ground was very dry, July 2018

On an intellectual front, when I find moments in between work, parenting and illness, I’m writing a book to help people understand the patterns of abuse and the steps that can be taken to remove yourself from it and rebuild your life, taking Anne’s work and the Brontes’ own life stories as an illustrative basis.

But how to mark the anniversary of her date of birth?  To my mind this isn’t so much of a “birthday”, what with her being deceased and all, so decorating her grave with balloons and party poppers formed a ghastly if hilarious vision and no doubt I’d set the place on fire by trying to put that many candles on a cake.

Having decided on the traditional laying of flowers, the weather decided to curtail that one for now, so instead, I decided to note down a few thoughts on where my heart and head has taken me through the reading I've done over the past few months with Anne:

A few thoughts on Anne Bronte

I’ll admit to growing weary of the “twin-like” comparison between Anne and Emily.  We have enough evidence of their different adult life experiences, anecdotes by character witnesses and plenty of evidence in their own writing to suggest they were unlikely “twins”, a phrase coined by Ellen Nussey.

I’m not denying their connection, nor that they most likely entwined arms on their walks, nor that they wrote together as children, all of which is based in factual evidence.  Rather I feel that overemphasising their connection can be reductive to the bonds they both had with other family members.

Perhaps by virtue of living in Scarborough, I can’t help but notice that Anne, Branwell, Charlotte (and Ellen, the Robinson family and Margaret Wooler!) all had parts to play in parts of the story that happened in the seaside town of Scarborough.  Which brings me to Anne and Branwell.

Anne holidayed here for 5 weeks with the Robinson family every summer during her employment in 1840-1845 (although not in 1845 as she’d resigned her post by then) in a place called Wood’s Lodgings on St Nicholas Cliff overlooking South Bay, where the Grand Hotel now stands.

Wood's Lodgings

Grand Hotel, same location as former Wood's Lodgings

During the years when Branwell was employed by the Robinsons too, Anne and Branwell would have been in Scarborough together, as well as working together in the same family household at Thorpe Green.  That’s quite a chunk of time they spent together as adults.  There is no evidence to suggest that either of them did anything but a very good job, as you’d expect: intellectually, they were more than qualified.

The Rotunda Museum of Geology 

The random picture of the Rotunda above is because when I see the place I imagine both Branwell and Anne visiting it.  Without a scrap of evidence, it's just that I think it can't all have been Branwell and Lydia nipping off for a smooch while Anne minded the youngsters. Maybe there was an educational element to their hols too, such as the study of fossils.

In the summer of 1845, however, Branwell was dismissed from his position, unexpectedly to him.  The Robinson family had come to Scarborough without him and dismissed him before he was due to arrive in the town with young Edmund.  Like the harbourside, it was all very fishy.

Bronte Parsonage Museum
Formerly The Parsonage, Haworth

But this wasn’t the first time Anne and Branwell had spent time together.  There were those months of the horrific missed goodbyes during 1824-5 when the others were farmed out to the Clergy Daughters’ School.  Relatively little is made of the time Anne and Branwell spent together at home, carefully watching it all as children under the supervision of Aunt Branwell.  Perhaps their shared bond at home during this time explains why Anne and Branwell reported a stronger connection with Aunt Branwell than the other siblings did.  Certainly, Aunt Branwell must have found it easier to handle two children than six.

As if it wasn’t bad enough to be out and about during the Crow Hill bog burst in September 1824, and listening to their father talk about how it heralded the end of the world, they then witnessed various other destabilising childhood events: the dismissal of Nancy and Sarah Garrs, servants who’d lived with them all their formative years, the arrival of Tabby, the exit of Emily off to school, the arrival home of Maria and the three months of nursing her until she died.  All the family are buried in the family vault under the church of St Michael and All Angels, Haworth.

St Michael and All Angels, Haworth

Attending a funeral of a sibling must have been very hard for young Anne and Branwell, especially when dislocated from their other sisters.  To see it play on repeat the following month when their sister Elizabeth died, must have been traumatic in the extreme.

Although Anne was only five years old at that time, it’s no wonder she grew up with an old head on her shoulders.  It’s a wonder anybody wanted to venture out of the house ever again.  But venture out she did.

Anne Bronte, by her sister Charlotte 

Anne may have been “quiet” but that didn’t stop her brain from working nor her keen eye observing the unjust behaviour of others and it didn’t stop her bravely dedicating herself to writing works that could be of use to society, regardless of whether the course of action she proposed for her heroine was illegal, both then and now for different reasons.  This girl had guts.

Not only was Anne real and down to earth, with a desire to “copy from life” the behaviours she witnessed (in so many ways EXACTLY the same as Charlotte did!) but she was also way ahead in her thinking.

Anne's second novel

I don’t feel there was anything lacking in Anne’s work whatsoever, BUT she did write fearlessly about the underhanded covert abuses that are insidious in our society.  My own angle of observation tells me time doesn’t seem to change the battles of the human spirit, nor the answers.  Society on the surface will appear to change, laws will change, but underneath it all, you have the same core issues and resolutions.

The fight is real and the themes Anne discussed are hugely important right now.  If you haven’t yet read Anne’s two novels, she promises topics covering domestic abuse, sexism, parent alienation, rights of workers and animal rights.

Yet to readers both then and now, Anne’s topics are apparently not as appealing as a ghost sticking her hand through a window but maybe that’s because escapism is easier than real life.  CONTROVERSIAL!  No matter, when all else fails, you can always pass everything off as Charlotte’s fault or just criticise Branwell.

Visual interlude: Toby Stephens and Tara Fitzgerald
BBC Adaptation of The Tenant of Wildfell Hall, 1996

Anne does offer a thread of “love story” for traditionalists, but I certainly didn’t come away from either of her novels feeling like “I just read a love story”.  Neither can I truly feel that Anne had a smouldering Toby Stephens lookalike in mind when she penned (quilled?) Gilbert Markham.

Anne’s protagonists Agnes and Helen make their counterparts work hard for love and prove themselves over time.  Love didn’t come easy: it took time through solid, consistent interactions and a focus on practical, grounded daily life.  Showing up, day after day, putting in the commitment.  If they weren't looking after animals for real like Farmer Gilbert, they were metaphorically taking care of their flock like Rev Edward Weston.  Or rescuing dogs.  You get the theme, which is just about as far removed from Heathcliff as you could possibly imagine.

Because most abusers start with animals, and it ain't long before they drip feed their abuse onto children and women before doing something truly horrific, say like ploughing a truck into a crowd of people or getting a rifle and taking people out at a concert.  Anne's message couldn't be simpler - get the basics right, like looking after household pets.  I'll add to that, if pets are too hard, start your nurturing journey with plants.  And never marry anyone who can't look after either.

Anne took great care to explain how the opposite love story works, the apparently easier route, in her portrayal of her husband Arthur Huntingdon – all show, meaningless flowery fancy language, arrogant selfishness and over the top gestures that ultimately resulted in nothing.  And how could it mean a thing when he was permanently operating from a place of ego?  If only Helen had known.  If only we'd all known.  And this was what Anne was trying to tell us.

Anne is for the brave.  Anne offers healing for the suffering through her intimate character portrayals, and shines a light of hope for those unafraid to stare at truth and live in a way that honours their true spirit.

Tuesday, 15 January 2019

What is Manifestation and did I manifest my Endometriosis?

I have many issues with the concept of manifestation and the law of attraction, which I will document separately.  Here I am going to attempt to address the spiritual connection and energy flow within the human body, with how manifestation works.  When manifestation goes wrong, we have an energy block and we manifest a Disease – the opposite to Ease.

Manifestation is the actualising of your desires into reality

It’s about being a conscious creator -whether you desire a new car, to be a doctor or to paint a picture. The possibilities are infinite.

Your manifestations are moving through you and they must be flowing.  The energy needs to flow – from thought to word to deed.  Where you are out of alignment is where your thoughts and feelings are not allowed true flow of expression.

Manifestation is when you say what do I want or need in my life?  And then you bring that into reality

When viewed through the energy flowing through your chakras, in a spiritual sense, your desires appear as thoughts and emotions, in the higher chakras, but in order for those to manifest you must bring them down into your lower chakras.

The sacral and root chakra is where you birth your ideas into life

The womb is the seat of creativity.  Creative blocks, therefore, can manifest in the reproductive organs in both men and women.

The spiritual inspiration comes in from above and arises when you connect to the higher chakras
You integrate this into an energetic flow throughout your body, bringing it down into the physical manifestation chakras

Finally it is BORN into this world through the last chakra

The red chakra, the root, the red spectrum.  And here we are, back to red.  The fire I can’t stop about, the fire that burns within me, the red I keep wearing and choosing

Red, the colour of the planet Mars, the ruler of my Sun sign, Aries.  The Grand Fire Trine in my chart that links my Sun (great ball of fire!), Mercury (communication), Neptune (spirituality) and Saturn (blocks, barriers and Old Father Time)

And I think for the first time, how much the head of the Ram looks just like the shape of the female reproductive organs

The red energy that is getting stuck and has no true outlet

The great red inflamed womb stuck inside me, constantly bleeding with no outlet, with no one paying heed to its cry (ME NOT PAYING HEED TO ITS CRY!)

My red blood-filled sacs of endometriosis that line my reproductive organs

Advanced endometriosis 

The inflammation stuck inside that has no outlet, that will not be birthed but stays trapped inside me like the blood that finds no release, crying in pain

Is it any wonder I look pregnant half the time when there is so much to birth that is getting stuck?

There is only one thing for it...

Stop blocking and start creating

It is time to start the birthing process

Wearing a red coat

Womb Work - Does Rape have any effect on Endometriosis?

Red spots show endometriosis - but the causes remain a mystery

I’m writing a reflective series about my endometriosis and considering the part that my life experiences may have played in contributing to the illness.  As part of looking at the specific trauma I suffered, I’m going to briefly document the rapes and accompanying abuse I suffered during the  time period 2000 – 2003.

·         During 2000-2001 I was a victim of rape, perpetrated by one of the senior managers at work.  This was supposedly a top-notch, highly sought after graduate training programme at one of the world’s largest professional services firms.  Scandalous, huh?  His rapes were mixed in with routine workplace sexism passed off as banter, attacks on my professionalism, and a culture of affairs and promiscuity pervasive in the department that provided a whole raft of enablers and silence on my part.  Maybe I'd done something wrong, I thought.

·         The rapes were sustained for 6 months, carried out in hotel rooms whilst working on client jobs and in my own home, until I felt I had no choice but to leave the company.  His accompanying behaviour was to construct a narrative to trap me and make me feel I was unable to tell anyone.  He always smirked when he checked me for bruises and produced a counter story so convincing, I believed he would find it easier to convince others his story held more truth than mine.  I still believe I was right to remain silent, in fact it was an act of survival.

·         It’s interesting to note how oddly open the abuse was, in terms of being consciously discussed between the pair of us, yet it remained undisclosed by me through the place of fear and horror I was in.  I can only assume part of the thrill psychologically for him was to be able to knowingly get away with it.

·         The worst and most immediate effect was a feeling of cold, soulless blackness, that the light had been turned off in my world.  I was unable to find myself.  A feeling of wholeness (body, mind and spirit intact together) that comes with well-being was absent from my life for a matter of many years.

·         Another overriding feeling I took with me for so long was that he wrecked my career.  It was always going to be obvious that my relationships and sex life would be a complete car crash after what happened, but to feel that my career was a hard slog as well magnified my hurt.  The effects were far reaching: I startled easily, the damage to my mental health resulted in the erroneous belief that I could only take on increasingly menial work, I trusted no one and gave zero workplace loyalty.  In being suppressed from the honesty I so valued, I had a constant feeling of being unable to produce what needed to come out.  The hurt and shame stayed locked inside me.

·         After this, he stalked me for 2-3 years and only let up a little when I was living with others.  When I was living alone, he saw me as fair game again and he’d turn up on my doorstep, my workplace, call me at work or come and stand grinning in my garden waving at me through the window.  The impact on my life was that I constantly kept moving jobs and houses.  I had no stability, no roots and lived in fear.  All of this was suppressed and I pretended to everyone I was fine.  This went on until 2003 when I accidentally grey rocked him one day.  Look up grey rock technique, I wasn’t even aware I was doing it, but it worked and that was the last day I saw him.

·         It's not really a surprise that with those experiences I manifested an illness in the womb.  My creative potential in my career was stunted too.

What are the implications for the womb here?

·         Location of site of bodily attack consistent with area of manifested disease
·         Suppression of voice consistent with energy being stuck where should flow out
·         Invisibility of the repeated attacks – the effects remains stuck inside

Sunday, 13 January 2019

Endometriosis blog and womb work

At the moment my emotions are up and down due to the lack of pattern with my pain levels from my endometriosis.  I’m going to be writing some updates on my blog and sharing them on my social media sites because it’s not easy to understand – for me, let alone anyone else.  It’s tough to deal with an illness that is unpredictable, misunderstood, impacts my life greatly and has no end point.  1 in 10 women suffer with this disease (if not more) and it's about time it was treated with the seriousness it deserves.

I’ve been signed off work for 4 weeks due to the severity of my pain levels and the quantity of drugs I’m having to take to ease the symptoms.  Some days I might be fine but on the days I'm crawling on my hands and knees crying in pain are not days to be lecturing in front of a class for a matter of hours.  Nor can I get my brain to work in the way it needs, to function in capacity as a lecturer, which feels really sad.

Last week I took back a tiny amount of control by booking a private appointment with a specialist. NHS waiting times are inappropriately long and completely out of kilter with the severity of symptoms of this disease.

Yesterday I felt good for the first time in 3 weeks.  Today I feel so bad I’ve had to take maximum strength painkillers again and I struggled with walking to town (15 mins away) and to the castle (5 mins away).

There is NO PATTERN to the pain I suffer which is really hard for people to get their heads around but it’s also completely true.

I know from when I suffered before, there is still a lack of understanding from doctors but moreover, it’s so frustrating to perceive other people’s desire for an easy fix.  They want me to be better – of course they do, and this is normal, but the evidence says I’m not going to get better without repeated surgery.

There is so much to unpick from all of this - the ups and downs of it just fly around my head all the time.  If by writing down the truth of the situation I can get my head around it a little better and perhaps even help someone articulate what they are also experiencing, then maybe it will do a little good.  I’ve also started to jot down some thoughts on the emotional side of womb work (since endo is a disease of the womb) so I *may* be sharing some thoughts on what comes out of that.

Tuesday, 1 January 2019

Goodbye 2018 and thank you for a year of writing

Almost everyone I know has had a tough year in 2018, which makes it difficult to say that for me, 2018 was one of the most enjoyable and transformational years of my life.  That’s not to say things have been easy.  If my year was easy or otherwise unremarkable, I wouldn’t recognise it as being my life.

2018 held the vibration of 11 which is a master number: there are always challenges to be faced with a master number but as a life-path 22 only just stepping into my truth, the 11 suited me well.

Not much has changed from the outside, but profound shifts have taken place within.  By orientating from within not without, my reactions to external events have noticeably shifted.  Perhaps that’s what happens when you set your intentions for the year based on Emily Bronte.

Thank you 

I’d like to thank every reader for following along, reading my blogs and for being involved, whether we’ve been in contact or not.  There have certainly been some interesting chats and discussions, mainly private, as a result of some of the things I’ve posted.

Your own truth

No matter how small you start, no matter how insignificant you think your message is, no matter how others criticise or want to make you wrong, when you stand strong in your own truth and your own voice it can’t help but empower others to do the same.

People still come to me baffled, aghast and disbelieving, asking why I’m writing and publishing so much personal information!  Let me answer.

Where did this come from?

During 2016 and 2017 over and over I kept giving the same advice to my social media clients: it doesn’t matter the current impact of your name or the size of your following.  What matters is that you find the right words, tone and images that most truthfully convey who you really are at your core.
Whether you’re an individual or business, the same principle applies.  You know truth when you see, hear or read it because it feels good.  Stick to your values and communicate what matters most to you.  There is zero point in publishing anything inauthentic although sometimes I think social media will burst with it.

When you stay true to your own voice and passions, the right people will magnetise to you.  This is just how it works.  Quality over quantity, always, and if you need to say something that feels outside the norm, that’s not only okay, it’s necessary.

Then came my own voice

What I hadn’t realised is that in 2018 I would use this same advice for my personal writing and start to communicate some of my pet themes: recovery from abuse, empowerment of women and developing spiritual awareness.

No matter how small and insignificant you find your own stories to be, I promise you they are valuable to someone.  We are all equal and we are all connected.  When you find the courage to step up and honour yourself even in small ways, you honour everyone else.

I didn’t concern myself too much with my audience, more on connecting with what I really wanted to produce.  So I try to connect with, “what feels like the right thing to write about – for me?”  What do I really want to share?  I held strong the belief that even if my blog is only read by one person then I reached that one person and it would have been worth it.  As it is I can't believe the number of hits this blog gets and from various parts of the world.  Hello!! And thank you again :) 

Instead, what happened without actively trying, was increasing numbers of individuals who held significance and meaning for me, gravitated into my life.  In particular, my writing about abuse has brought me into contact with a number of incredibly brave people who have shared their own confidential and heart-breaking stories with me.  I thank every one of them for trusting me with what some have barely uttered to others.

Little ripples can turn into big waves.

Life writing

Even more surprisingly, I’ve been staggered and flattered to be contacted by writers (people who do this for a living!) asking me how I “got into” life writing and can I give them tips on getting started with it?  Umm...

The answer is it’s just a stream of consciousness, one that flows in from above my head, percolates through my brain and flows out through the tap of my fingers on the keyboard.   Some of it has been stuck inside me for too long.  I've worn silence like a shroud all my life and slowly, that cloak is falling away.

Allowing the space for the right message to flow through is important, and writing is usually a cathartic process otherwise it remains unfinished and unpublished.

Once it’s done, the difficulty is always finding the courage to press publish.  The more people press publish on their authentic life, the more we give others the permission to tell their stories.  The highly sensitive, the vulnerable, the downtrodden - I want to hear from them.  I want to know the magic inside and help them find the reverse side of their pain, stepping into the beauty of a new truth.  There is courage and strength in vulnerability.


The purpose of me starting a blog was to practice.  To practice writing, yes, but moreover to practice the courage of telling my story.  To create something from nothing that was my own little space saying what I wanted to say.

As family and friends have guessed in frustration, there’s a whole raft of information that I’m still withholding, that is set to come out.  The cloak is heavy and can't be removed all at once.  All in good time.  Some of it is being poured into books and having a blog often helps organise my thoughts.  Thanks for being there for the start of this journey.

To all the people who have contacted me this year and shared their powerful, incredible, often heart-breaking stories, thank you for trusting me enough to be the recipient of your truth.  I hope the things I said in return were enough.  It is my greatest wish that you will know yourself fully and see yourself in your most magnificent light.

Your own story

The magic starts inside every one of us, when we realise the full power and truth of the wonderful creation that we each are.  I know my writing often comes over juvenile, basic and unsophisticated.  Sometimes the topics may be banal, sometimes the writing is rushed.

I suspend judgement on myself.

Thank you for every single person who has made even one positive comment towards me this year – all of your kindness has made me happier than you can know.