Sunday, 8 July 2018

Online stalking made me overthink what I post - but not anymore

I have a friendship with a man.  I know, it’s scandalous isn’t it?  A man and woman having a friendship.


We became friends earlier this year when I reached out and connected with him because he was the subject of online abuse – I observed it getting so out of hand I actually worried for his mental health.
We became friends and for me, it was nice to have someone to chat with about topics that interest us both.  He’s supportive, a good listener, down to earth and we have some things in common.  I’ve basically described there pretty much all of my friends.  I have a few good male friends and I’d count him amongst them.  Unlike most of my friends, however, this man has an online persona and public profile.

He also has - a stalker.  Yes, a follower on the other side of the world who’s in love with him.  She’s so in love with him and it’s so messed up that she routinely stalks and emails his female friends that she’s found on social media to find out whether they’re in a relationship with him.  And I’ve become part of her bullshit routine.

It’s neither pretty nor healthy to behold and I get the impression her loving feelings for him are a bit like this:

And if she lived a little closer it could even lead to this:

A while ago he dealt with her stalking (for his own part) by blocking her on email and every social platform, however, she might be still emailing him nonstop.  Who knows?!  He certainly doesn’t cos he’s chuffing blocked her.

Only trouble is, she’s turned her attentions to me and now I get inappropriate emails from her asking me what’s going on, where I’ve been, what I’ve been doing and who with!

She’s like my Mum but 500 times worse.

Unfortunately, as a result of this, I have severely censored what I post on social media and on my blog BECAUSE OF HER because it’s now clear that she’s stalking me as well as him!

Today after receiving yet another bonkers email from her, I sat down and thought WTF is my response here?  Why am I reacting to this nonsense by stopping posting on my own social media just in case she formulates an opinion about where I’ve been?  That ain’t gonna resolve anything but it's putting me in a silly place of unnecessary worry and overanalysing what I’m posting because of one woman’s odd behaviour.

So after today’s nosey email from her asking me where I’ve been and what I’ve been up to, it’s time to give her an answer.  Here it is:


Oh and what I also want to communicate is that staking is harassment, emotional and psychological abuse.  After the amount of shit I’ve put up with in my adult life at the hands of abusers, IT’S A NO TO ABUSE FROM ME.

“Stalking is unwanted or repeated surveillance by an individual or group towards another person. Stalking behaviors are interrelated to harassment and intimidation and may include following the victim in person or monitoring them.”

After dropping a couple of f bombs in this post, I'm going to try and finish off kindly by giving her the benefit of the doubt that she doesn't understand her behaviour is a crime.  Well it is and if you're reading this, check out this link for victim support all about stalking and harassment.  Everyone needs to be aware that cyber bullying and stalking is not okay.

Madamoiselle Rachel and Charlotte Bronte

Even in the in years in between The Brontes and The Brontes, when I was trying to escape or otherwise ignore them, I still couldn’t.  It was impossible to tell whether their messages would find me, or I’d find them.

During 2002-03 I was living in York, within easy walking distance of the town centre and my feet would keep leading me back to the art gallery (below).

It was there I developed a love of the paintings of Canaletto and Bellotto and I’d spend many a lunch hour or portion of my weekend staring at the canals of Venice.  

But these beautiful paintings were really a foil for the one I desired to see most.  Inevitably, on every visit, I’d be drawn back to the saddest looking portrait of a French actress by the name of Mademoiselle Rachel, or simply ‘Rachel’ (pronounced with a “sh”).  Her real name was Elisabeth Felix and her acting was said to be so spectacular she dominated the European stage during the mid-19th century.

The painting of her by William Etty, 1841 (pictured above) still hangs in York’s art gallery.  Her eyes made me want to cry for her, with her and because of her.  I would read the little plaque alongside it revealing that Charlotte Bronte had seen Rachel perform on stage.  Charlotte’s words on Rachel’s performance were:

“terrible as if the earth had cracked deep at your feet and revealed a glimpse of hell.”

I would stare long and hard at the portrait of this woman whose name I bore and wondered at the intersection between Charlotte and herself although at the time I never looked her up, nor Charlotte’s letters.

Is it strange to say I felt comfortable and reassured by the depth of emotion conveyed both in the artists portrayal of the actress’ sad expressive face and in Charlotte’s words?

Is it sad that I would stare at her portrait and feel comfortable with her tear-stained cheeks and those dark pools for eyes?  Hadn’t I myself felt that I’d had glimpsed hell during the previous two years whilst I mad a half-baked attempt at recovering from rape and depression?

At this time, I hadn’t yet read Charlotte’s letters about her trip to London when she’d seen Rachel perform.  I didn’t know then that Charlotte’s time in London hadn’t been an entirely enjoyable experience but that in the numerous letters she sent to various connections afterwards, she always mentioned her delight at having seen Rachel perform.  Charlotte had been captivated - the impression Rachel had made on Charlotte was a deep one.

In Gaskell’s The Life of Charlotte Bronte, Charlotte’s letter of 6th November 1851 is quoted, proving that the impression Rachel had made on Charlotte had “stood the test of time” as it was written a good few months after she witnessed the performance in London.  Charlotte's letter read:

“Rachel’s acting transfixed me with wonder, enchained me with interest, and thrilled me with horror.  The tremendous force with which she expresses the very worst passions in their strongest essence forms an exhibition as exciting as the bull fights of Spain and the old gladiatorial combats of old Rome….   It is not human nature that she shows you; it is something wilder and worse; the feelings and fury of a fiend.  The great gift of genius she undoubtedly has; but I fear, she rather abuses it than turns it to good account.”

If you were still left in any doubt as to the impression this actress made on Charlotte Bronte, then it was only recently during my reading of Villette, Charlotte’s final novel, that I was reminded of Rachel once more.  The character of Vashti, who appears in chapter 23, was written by Charlotte as a memorial to Mademoiselle Rachel.

“For awhile - a long while - I thought it was only a woman, though a unique woman, who moved in might and grace before this multitude. Behold! I found upon her something neither of woman nor of man: in each of her eyes sat a devil."

"Hate and Murder and Madness incarnate she stood.” (Villette, published 1853).

It's strange how I recall in 2002 feeling some familiar comfort in sharing my first name with one who had stirred the passionate heart of Charlotte Bronte.

Those who know me will be aware that when mortals have failed me in the past few years, it’s Anne Bronte to whom I turn, the consummate instructor in every way.  I find her words to possess a genuine truth that stands the test of time and informs still.  Yet this time, I turn to Charlotte for my lesson: in speaking of Rachel’s genius Charlotte said:

“She rather abuses it than turns it to good account.”

Whilst I'd never claim genius in myself, with what little power I do possess in speaking out about the dark and deep forces present in our world, I intend to “turn it to good account” and speak out for the purposes of educating and enlightening others.

It’s my greatest wish that others will know themselves as fully as possible and remain open to understanding and working towards a world that attempts to eradicate dark forces, beginning with the truthful understanding of the self (shadow behaviours), a commitment to grow out of it, evolve and change, and to emanate enlightenment out of that growth.

Understanding and awareness of ourselves and of the patterns of dark traits are our first steps in being present for one another and learning to heal those aspects of ourselves that need it, before moving onto creating a world where truth and light expand for the good of all.

I’ll end this piece by saying to the person who criticised me for displaying my own name on my own blog, you can forget it!  Your bitterness is your own response and only speaks of you.

Finally, thank you to my parents, who upon their first sight of me as a newborn, promptly changed the name they were going to give me (Charlotte) to the one that I’m now proud to display at the top of this blog, Rachel.  I’ll take the dark pools of my eyes and turn them to good account.  

A Bronte Remembrance Sermon in Haworth

I never wrote a thing about my trip to Haworth during the first weekend of June 2018 although that doesn’t mean I didn’t think a great many things following the visit.  It was The Bronte Society’s annual summer festival, not to be confused with the bicentenary for Emily’s 200th birthday which is taking place at the end of July 2018.

Having returned to Scarborough and to my regular life, the one experience that stood out for me the most was the sermon at the Bronte remembrance service on the Saturday morning.  This remembrance service is an annual event but one I'd never before attended.

The vicar, Rev Peter Mullins, has been in post at the church only one year.  His can’t be an easy job managing the needs of the local parishioners and businesses alongside the Bronte inspired tourism bringing visitors into the church in their droves.  It turns out that managing the diverse needs of the community was the basis of his sermon.

He used the analogy of a university, saying that the top of Haworth Main Street was rather like a campus.  On site, you have the separate buildings of the Parsonage, the Sunday School building, the Church, graveyard, car park, cafes, tourist shops, Tourist Information and wait for it… the toilets. 
The toilets!  Cue groans from the congregation.  It seems Bradford Council are unwilling to manage the loos.  It was a shame to see that toilet issues in the area have persisted throughout the centuries.

He made the point that across this campus, there is no Vice Chancellor.  In managing all these separate buildings and the many diverse needs of the various people who appear in Haworth, it’s a hard job made worse by there being no Vice Chancellor.  He told a story of a young female Japanese tourist who had recently come into church weeping for Emily, overcome by emotion that she was standing on the burial site of the author of Wuthering Heights.

There’s no Vice Chancellor, he stated again.

Since a sermon isn’t a two-way dialogue, I suppressed my inner Hermione Grainger and kept my thoughts to myself.  You see I thought I had a good answer but we weren’t in class, we were in church.  To be fair, Rev Mullins’ had a better answer!

Rev Mullins stated that although arguments and disputes are often pointed out, there is a lot of cooperation that occurs within the Bronte campus as a matter of course and we should give credit to those who do all the getting along on a regular basis under trying circumstances and with competing needs.

The communal desire of people to get along, to make things happen, to do the right thing regardless of whose job it is, was evidence of the Holy Spirit working within us all.  The desire to work for the best outcome sprang from people’s good natures and their willingness to put personal differences aside.

It’s a great answer.  For anyone wondering what I was thinking, my answer would have been St Michael, the namesake of the Church in Haworth, St Michael and All Angels.  He’s not only the supreme Archangel and mighty protector but he’s in the company of ALL angels.  He's the ultimate leader, in fact you could say St Michael had always been the “campus leader.”

The timing was amusing, as only one day earlier my friend who does Angel Card readings had pulled out a card for me.  Guess whose name was on the card?  St Michael of course – it seemed significant that this big boy of the Archangel high ranks should appear with his mighty sword on the very day I was heading for Haworth.

Having gone back and read over my notes about what Archangel Michael stands for, I think there are rather a lot of strengths he brings to the people of Haworth, regardless of which century we choose to look at.

St Michael Statue, Maidan Square, Kiev, Ukraine

What can St Michael can offer the people of Haworth and those in positions of responsibility and decision making there?  I felt that the following words stood out: -

  • He brings the light of sun into our hearts, burning away all that is transient and unnecessary
  • He is a natural ally for those who hold a leadership role in life
  • He will help us to fight injustice and support us when we feel alone or overwhelmed by life
  • He will help us let go of anything we need to release, leaving only that which is pure and true to shine forth

I find these words are very strong, beautiful, comforting and protective.  I hope his strength and protection will guide all those people with a job to do in Haworth.


Rev Mullins also spoke of Patrick Bronte quoting a letter Patrick had written to a friend following the death of his wife Maria.  If only I had written notes or could find my copy of the order of service!  In the absence of those and instead relying on memory, the point Patrick was making was that there was no shame in feeling deep sadness and sorrow at losses, but that we should trust that God will see that we have "sufficient" to see us through.

I have thought a lot since about the notion of sufficiency since this sermon and I’ll finish off this blog with a quote by author Brene Brown from her book: “The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are” (which is a book title and a half isn’t it?)

“Sufficiency isn't two steps up from poverty or one step short of abundance. It isn't a measure of barely enough or more than enough. Sufficiency isn't an amount at all.  It is an experience, a context we generate, a declaration, a knowing that there is enough, and that we are enough.”

May you always have – and be - sufficient.  And thank you to St Michael who I feel sure was watching over us all that weekend.

Here are some photos of the interior of St Michael and All Angels church, Haworth:

Rev Mullins pointed out their actual burial vault was located a
few feet away not under this pillar as stated (above)

Memorial plaque for the entire Bronte family including Anne who is buried in Scarborough
(the Old Church being St Mary's)

Aunt Branwell gets her own pillar mention and even her
own first name rather than being forever Aunt (above)

The Bronte Chapel, part of St Michael and All Angels church (above)

Last but not least from my small selection of photos is the 
whopping monument dedicated to the memory of 
William Weightman, assistant curate to Patrick Bronte 
and writer of Valentine's cards for the Bronte sisters.

Wednesday, 4 July 2018

Soul Health

“We need to talk about mental health”
A phrase heard all the time
But who’s prepared to listen
Who has answers? Who has time?

There’s something absent from this talk
With its focus on the mind
There’s something sorely missing
Something vital gets left behind

Essential human triumvirate
Of body, mind and soul
All three are so important
All three will make you whole

So nourish and care for your body
Look for those prepared to help
And find your tribe prepared to talk
About the topic of soul health!
Sunday, 1 July 2018

61 signs of emotional abuse

If you've ever experienced emotional abuse,
I want you to know this

There are many different types of abuse and they all result in behaviour towards a person that deliberately or intentionally cause harm.  Abuse is a violation of an individual’s human and civil rights and in the worst cases can result in death.  All abuse is harmful and can wreck lives.

I found an excellent article online that stated 61 signs of emotional abuse in a relationship. I made a note of which ones resonated with me based on my experiences in one relationship and found that 46 out of 61 signs were present.  I found it a very helpful task: for me, understanding aids recovery.

I do still often feel very aggrieved that there is a lack of understanding and awareness about how serious emotional abuse can be, although evidence from psychological studies show time and time again that emotional abuse is present along with all other forms of abuse (physical, financial, sexual, psychological, organisational, neglect, domestic, modern slavery, self-neglect and discriminatory).

Victims of abuse can find talking about it very difficult unless you’re confident that the listener has a very good grasp of what constitutes emotional abuse.  Often others who have little grasp of what abuse is, will attempt to diminish the experiences of victims, which is rooted avoidance on their part: if people pretend abuse doesn’t exist, it exempts them from taking action or engaging with the deep levels of empathy required.

On the source website where I found the 61 signs of emotional abuse, the behaviours were split up thematically and it was interesting to note that some themes such as dominance and control, and belittling, all strongly resonated, whereas others, like chaos and crisis creation, were almost absent in the case I experienced.

One of the truly frightening things about emotional abuse is the confusion it causes, particularly as the victim may be attached to their abuser, live with them or be in a family, friendship or working relationship with them.  It makes it very difficult to spot the signs clearly, as there will be opposing supposedly loving or kind behaviours thrown in to confuse you (which are merely an act).

That’s why I think it’s important to share information about what abuse looks like so that more people are aware of the signs and can spot it for themselves and for others.

Out of the 61 signs of emotional abuse, I have experienced the following 46 in one relationship:
  1. Says things to upset or frighten you.
  2. Becomes overly and inappropriately jealous of attention from or conversation with others.
  3. Monitors your time and whereabouts.
  4. Monitors your telephone calls/texts or email contacts.
  5. Makes decisions that affect both of you or the family without consulting you or reaching an agreement with you.
  6. Repeatedly crosses your boundaries and ignores your requests.
  7. Makes subtle threats or negative remarks with the intent to frighten or control you
  8. Shows complete disregard and disrespect.
  9. Disregards your opinions, ideas, suggestions, or needs. 
  10. Makes “jokes” at your expense. 
  11. Uses sarcasm or “teasing” to put you down or make you feel bad.
  12. Swears at you or calls you names (possibly disguised in jest)
  13. Creates circular, never-ending conversations to confuse and exhaust you.
  14. Regularly points out your flaws, mistakes, or shortcomings.
  15. Requires his or her permission before you can go anywhere or make a decision. 
  16. Has an inability to laugh at themselves and can't tolerate others laughing at them. 
  17. Is lacking empathy or compassion for you and others.
  18. Views you as an extension of himself rather than as an individual
  19. Escalates abusive language or behaviour if you talk back. 
  20. Uses guilt trips or shaming to get his or her way. 
  21. Behaves dramatically in public until you agree to do what he or she wants. 
  22. Withholds sex or affection to get his or her way.  
  23. Is frequently emotionally distant or emotionally unavailable.  
  24. Gives you disapproving or contemptuous looks or body language to make you feel bad. 
  25. Has unpredictable emotional outbursts.  
  26. Shows a “Jekyll and Hyde” temperament with wild mood swings. 
  27. Stomps out of a room during an argument or heated discussion.  
  28. Sulks and refuses to talk about an issue. 
  29. Shakes a finger or fist at you or makes threatening gestures or faces.
  30. Acts jealous and suspicious of your friends and social contacts.  
  31. Uses neglect or abandonment to punish or frighten you. 
  32. Belittles, insults, or berates you in front of other people. 
  33. Puts down your physical appearance or intellect. 
  34. Belittles and trivializes you, your accomplishments, or your hopes and dreams. 
  35. Tells you your feelings are irrational or crazy
  36. Turning other people against you
  37. Shares your personal information with others
  38. Accuses you of being crazy or being the abusive partner
  39. Invalidates or denies their emotionally abusive behaviour when confronted. 
  40. Accuses you of lying or having a bad memory. 
  41. Hijacks a conversation to confuse or divert the subject away from your needs.
  42. Plays intentional mind games
  43. Accuses or blames you for things that aren’t true, such as infidelity.  
  44. Accuses you of being “too sensitive” in order to deflect their abusive remarks.  
  45. Tries to make you feel as though he or she is always right, and you are wrong. 
  46. Makes excuses for their behaviour, tries to blame others and has difficulty apologizing

Friday, 29 June 2018

Writing in the background

Light, Spa Bridge, Scarborough 

Morning all!  I’ve been very quiet on here and the blog of late but that doesn’t mean life is quiet!  In fact it means that the writing I’m doing at the moment is not for publishing right now, it’s unfinished business that I’m dragging myself through.  As you know I’m an advocate for writing and journaling as a tool for processing – sometimes when you’re in the process of bringing things up and out, it’s not for sharing at that time.  When a little time has passed and it’s been through the filter of my editing, then there will be another section of posts.

Most of all I’d like to say a big hello and thank you to all the people who have shared information with me privately recently – whoever is shifting I feel like we’re shifting together. And thank you to all the people who have changed their orientation towards me and how they approach me in real life after reading some of my blogs. Thank you!  It’s powerful how we can meet each other on a new and deeper level of connection after knowing more about each other. Thank you for seeing and appreciating my vulnerability and for sharing yours with me!

Have a wonderful Friday! 
Wednesday, 20 June 2018

My calling - how I explain why I write

In Autumn 2016 I started having what I thought at the time was a very strange set of occurrences. Everywhere I looked I was receiving messages. I now know these were heralding a seismic shift in perspective and causing me to ‘wake up’!

I call it a spiritual awakening and it definitely didn’t happen sitting on a yoga mat. It took me a while to get comfortable with the fact that I’m able to access and interpret messages from the spirit world but since these occur in everyday life it’s become the new norm for me, as it is for many people if you only know where to find them!  They’re hiding in plain sight, walking amongst us all.

I’m not running away to Tibet to chant with monks, I’m not on any medication, I don’t have 10 cats nor a crystal ball.  I’m not giving up my day job: I’m just a regular woman having a normal life with my kids, family and friends.

But the spiritual awakening is real - and I’m here to share my experiences with you.  There are many people on our planet going through an awakening right now and the more voices join in, the more a shift towards the light becomes our new norm.

We are regular human beings having extra ordinary experiences and I’m called to write about these, to encourage others to accept the things they feel, see, hear, etc. If, like me, you’ve been surrounded by people who don’t discuss or accept spirit as a real part of our lives, then you may have felt the sting of rejection, criticism and accusations, etc.  So what?  Just because some people don’t accept doesn’t mean your experience is any less valid, it just means you have a harder job to do stepping out and speaking out.  You have to do more internal work to commit to your cause.

Then in 2017 I received the information that I would write a book.  It was one of the best moments of my life.  Remembering the sheer bliss of how I felt in that moment is my “Why”.

Fancy being told you’ll write a book, but you don’t know what will be in it!  All in good time, I received my plot line - and it was simply “tell your own story”.
While I work on my book, I’m using this blog to post some things that are happening in real time around the shifts that I’m making.

It’s simply a personal blog using writing as a transformational tool for personal and spiritual development and growth. We’re all evolving constantly and without writing, I’m not sure where I’d be.  Spirit doesn’t always communicate messages that make sense at the time – so my diary has often been a frantic jumbled mess of visions, dreams and information that may make sense somewhere down the line.

My message in my business and in life has always been that we are each unique - celebrate your uniqueness, and also recognise that we’re all in this together.  The most important thing you have to do in life is be the version of yourself that you are most happy with.  Not the version that fits in with what others expect.

I’m not making any money from this blog whatsoever.  The only thing you’ll find here is me demonstrating how I connect with myself through deep introspective work played out via the tool of writing.  On occasion I write about how numerology and astrology show up in regular everyday life.  If any of what I write encourages you to open up to the process of connecting with yourself on the deepest most joyous level, then that is my reward.

It’s my belief that in order to live in a more peaceful, tolerant, happier world, much transformation is needed.  Old, limiting beliefs, old ways of doing politics, old ways of doing business, old ways of criticising each other and competing with each other and staying stuck in narrow minded competitive restrictive patterns are on their way out.
Along with all the bureaucracy we’ve created in every institution that hampers creative thought and original intuitive impulse that every human being already possesses (and we wonder why so many people are sick working in institutions that behave like this!)

Transformations on a grand scale will only be possible when individuals are prepared to transform on a personal level first. To rid themselves of their demons, to shake off the shackles of their pasts, to replace unhelpful behaviours with newer positive ones and to come into their highest being, spreading their light that shines inside outwards to others. There are many of us carrying that light within who have been hiding. It’s time to step out and shine!

Tuesday, 19 June 2018

19th June 1998 The Day We Lost Dad

19th June 1998, 20 years ago today we lost Dad. There’s lump in my throat so big I struggled to type anything meaningful here.

On the night of 18th June 1998 I saw the most remarkable red sunset.  As I gazed upon it from the kitchen window, I knew I’d never see my Dad alive again.

I slept on his side of the bed right next to the telephone.  Mum was sleeping by his side in the hospice.  At 6.45am the phone rang.  “Come now, the nurse said.  We’ll send a taxi for you.”

Waiting on the doorstep I noticed the milk bottle.  Better not leave that to go off in the sun, I thought.  As if that mattered.  During the taxi ride my whole energy field changed from high alert to complete peace and relaxation, and I knew he’d gone.

When I arrived it was heart breaking to see Mum cradling him and crying.  The nurses seemed upset too so I made everyone a cup of tea with the milk I’d brought.  Sometimes the little things anchor you to a big situation.  Afterwards I looked at his hands: the hands that had carried me as a child, hands that had held mine as I was crossing the road, hands that had driven us all over the country on our holidays, hands that made Sunday dinner, hands that had built so many things.  Strong, protective hands that I was seeing for the last time.

The sun came out brightly that day as though the heavens were beaming from the addition of Dad.  I always felt Dad was near, and that he hadn’t really gone away too far.  He was very true to himself and honest.  If he appeared right now I’d still know his smile, his laugh, and his heart.  Those things never leave us, they’re printed on our hearts forever.

As I looked at that sunset, on the last night of Dad’s life, a song I’d never heard before came on the radio.  20 years later, I still can’t hear it without crying. It was “Lost In Space”.  I’ll leave you with a few lyrics:

Your light shines so bright
I don't feel no solitude
You are my first star at night
I'd be lost in space without you
And I'll never lose my faith in you
How will I ever get to heaven, if I do?

Me & Dad building a patio, 1993. As you do.

Thursday, 14 June 2018

A Conversation with Money - giving Money a Personality

Ever had a chat with money?

I recently had the fortune of meeting a woman called Anne-Louise Harbutt.  After 20 years living a regular corporate lifestyle she now runs her own business leading and coaching women who are “intuitive leaders”.  Last night in a group coaching session she spoke about money mindset.  It’s something I’ve heard countless so called gurus and internet sensations speak about, but Anne-Louise’s session struck a chord closer to home for me.

Like everything else, our relationship and orientation towards money is a personal one and the emotions that are stuck may be much deeper than first appears.  I’ve often been aware of the money mindset of others (such as you have to work hard for what you get and I’ll never earn more than this) but not very aware of my own.  Last night I made some discoveries.

You may want to use this exercise for yourself in determining your own attitudes towards money.  I’m only going to share one nugget with you from last night’s session and it’s this little gem:

“Money is standing at the bar.  Money wants to chat with everyone.  Do you approach money?  Can you look money in the eye and shake money’s hand?  What do you say and how does it go?”

Instantly I knew I’d stride right up to money.  Hell yeah I’m interested - I’d certainly start the conversation.   As a Business Lecturer and business owner I’m all over return on investment and cash flow and I’m always been thrilled at how ideas can be turned into money.  It’s what drives most businesses.  I’d like to chat about how we can make more money together.  This is a strong start.
But quickly everything turns uneasy and sleazy: I know why.

Me and money started flirting with each other, something I didn’t want to be engaged in.  He’s male for a start and wearing a suit.  Uh-oh.

He offers to buy me a drink and without hesitation I ask for a double, but why?  I think we can be friends and get on ‘like a house on fire’, but this only brings up worry about ‘getting burnt’.

Still, I persist.  I’ve come to chat for a reason so I ask him lots of questions but underlying it all is uneasiness and distrust.

Has he an ulterior motive?  Money has a glint in his eye, but I’m alarmed at the thought “if I’m allowed to have money then what does he want in return?”  The prospect of exchange is uncomfortable.

And I know what’s happened here: I’m straight back to being 22 and being raped by my senior manager at work.  The whole notion of me being keen to learn, asking a million questions and feeling like I’m working hard to improve my career only for it to turn into the most sinister experience of my life.

I’m straight back to those damaging memories of “people who have money”.

22 year old Rachel, sitting in the open office in silence, trying and failing to make sense of what was happening to me, getting my head down as though driving harder into work would solve any of this.
All the time having to listen to the men in the office, with their “who’s got the biggest car and house” conversations.  Chests puffed out.  

If this was the daytime office conversation, I knew full well that the night time bar conversation would be “who had shagged the most women”.

Plenty of similar conversations we were all party to.  All of it passed off as banter.  Pissed up twats in suits thinking it’s all harmless fun, unaware that the one who started the conversation was a rapist, and amongst the uncomfortable women, his victim.

How many times has this been replicated in other office nights out across the world, I wonder?

I saw their egos and male chauvinism as being tied up with a focus on the material and on the other end of the scale my utter terror of living in a world of people without values or souls (because I was so very lost).

I’d want to fling myself out of the office window rather than hear about their fucking metallic paint and how many seconds it took to get from 0 to 60.  Truly, I often imagined actually flying out of the window.  I guess that level of escapism also alludes to hints of suicide.

It seems many of my opinions of “people who have money” were forged during the six months I was raped.  Not only was I disgusted by the act itself and disgusted with myself for being a part of it but I was equally disgusted by all those transient, pathetic, meaningless conversations all around me whilst I silently screamed inside.

Somewhere along the line I’ve mixed up men, corporate lifestyle, money and rape.  Good grief, I really needed to get something sorted out here.

There was no mistaking the intelligence of the people surrounding me.  Their ambition and ability was in no doubt.  But their souls I couldn’t find, nor my own.  All I heard was horsepower, leather seats and number of en-suite bathrooms.  In truth I was sickened by my own situation and my own perception that I would have a total inability to make anyone believe me or understand.

Somewhere in my mind I'd conflated being sickened by being a victim of rape with being sickened by people who have money.

If money made you a twat, then I didn’t want it.

But this happened 18 years ago and those beliefs are not serving me now, and they’re very limiting.  Money didn’t do this to me – the bastard who raped me did that.

Beliefs can be changed quite quickly once you’re aware of them and that’s why I find writing so useful.  Just journal it out!

What is money REALLY?

Money can be used in any way you want.  It’s only a reflection of what we are ourselves and our beliefs.  Money is an exchange.  Some people will call money an ‘energy’ which is quite a helpful way to look at it.

In real terms money is little printed pieces of paper or numbers in black and white on a bank statement and in the words of my old Economics teacher, “money is only worth anything at the point of exchange”.  Money holds no power in and of itself.

Money is not clean, not dirty, it doesn’t need to have any attribute or emotion ascribed to it at all.  We do that ourselves by the emotions we hold close to it.  Money, like any value we hold, is whatever we choose it to be.

It’s interesting that for some reason in my vision of money, Money wore a suit.  The fact that money was male, in a suit and standing at the bar showed me where I last forged my enduring attitudes towards money.  It speaks of power, control and fear.  I very much wanted to talk with money but I didn’t trust him.  He was a smarmy and I felt trapped and worried as though there may need to be a sexual exchange in order for there to be a monetary one.  This was seriously messed up thinking but until I noticed it, I couldn’t resolve it.

Re-writing the story - money changes gender and persona

How would money look in my new version?  Remember you can re-write your story any time you choose.  Ha ha, check out what I wrote next!  It’s a bit different to what’s gone before! 😊

Money changed gender for a start.

Money is standing on the seashore.  She’s a beautiful, ethereal looking woman in a long white floaty dress which is blowing in the gentle breeze, a wind that heralds change.

She’s not only Money; she’s an Oracle.  She’s THE Oracle.  She invites me to stand beside her as the waves lap gently on the shore, and we take a deep breath in together before we begin our conversation.  I am fascinated to hear what she's going to say!  She makes me feel calm and we begin to chat when we’re both ready.

Money looks out to sea and she says the following:

I am your co-creator.  I am anything you choose me to be.  Just as you are anything you choose yourself to be.

You have many projects in your head and heart.  Your message is what will bring you money.  This you already know.

I can be anything you want me to be.  But remember this, I am your friend.  I have always been here for you and always will be.  I am a reflection of you yourself.  The more you grow, the more I will grow.  Any time you choose to be something, do something, have something, I will find a way to make that happen for you.  Decide and be clear.  You only need to ask, and it will be provided.
This is how it is for every one of you.

I am fluid like the sea, I am woman just like you and I can multiply as you have done.  Expansion is my joy, as it is yours.

I am both endless and enough, as are you, as is the sea.  There is no separation between us.  I will bring to you what you give to the world.  You are expanding right now – and so am I.
You already know what you are capable of.

Follow your heart – follow your dreams.  Don’t waver.  Don’t be distracted.

For the gifts you have to share, you will be rewarded.

You will also build.  You are practical as well as spiritual.

THIS is how you make money multiply.  Call on me any time, for I am always here for you and for everyone.

And with that she was gone.

She was part Biblical prophetess, part divine angel and part Yoda.  Do you think the smarmy git at the bar even deserves a second glance when I have the Seaside Money Oracle telling me she’s my friend?  Ha ha, I don’t think so!  Money has a new persona and I like her a lot.  Her and I have some more visioning work to do together.

I hope you enjoyed this - you may even like to have your own conversation with money and find out what a conversation with money looks and sounds like for you and to discover whether it brings up any limiting beliefs that are ready to be released to make way for the new!

The Futurist Theatre being demolished
Scarborough, June 2018

You know what this is? It’s the Futurist Theatre in Scarborough being bulldozed to the ground, part of the process of its transformation in its new life journey.
Today I’ve carved out some time to do some bulldozing of my own. Clearing out a load of old crap and starting afresh. Replacing old unhelpful emotions with new ones.
The new moon in Gemini (last night, around the time I took the pictures funnily enough) is a perfect time to clear out the old unhelpful stuck emotions and herald in the new. I'm digging deep this week into some deep changes that need to take place, which is quite difficult but so much rubbish is surfacing that needs to be gotten rid of.
As followers know, writing is my go-to tool for clearing out the crap and bringing greater awareness to the surface.
Whether you already use writing or journaling as a tool for self-discovery and awareness or if you’re interested in tracking some aspects of my journey that I share on my facebook writing page I’d be honoured if you’d head over there and like my page. In case you’re wondering why I share some of what I write, part of my journey is to role model my transformation to show that we’re all human and it ain’t easy.
I go through fits and starts of sharing – some days or weeks I’ll be quiet and then a lot will pop up.
Right now the new moon is in Gemini and so writing may become an even more important tool for bringing in new energy and new thought patterns to help move forward.

All of us, at any point, can choose anew.

A new belief, a new thought pattern, a new life.

That is available for all of us, it just feels tough because us humans love to get stuck in our ways and we repeat our same old stories over and over. But we can re-write our stories any time!

As the Futurist goes through its own demolition, the next step in its journey of transformation, I invite you to connect with anything stuck inside of you that you need to re-write.

Some corkers are coming up for me which I’ll be sharing over the next few days and weeks. Thanks for reading.

View from Blands Cliff, Scarborough,
looking down towards Coney Island on Foreshore Road
8.45pm 13th June 2018 


The Cassandra Complex - an inability to make others believe you

Have you heard of the Cassandra Complex? It precisely describes what I’ve been suffering with for the past four years.

The history behind it, taken from Wikipedia: “The term originates in Greek mythology. Cassandra was a daughter of Priam, the Kind of Troy. Struck by her beauty, Apollo provided her with the gift of prophecy, but when Cassandra refused Apollo's romantic advances, he placed a curse ensuring that nobody would believe her warnings.

Cassandra was left with the knowledge of future events, but could neither alter these events nor convince others of the validity of her predictions.”

Today, the Cassandra metaphor is applied by psychologists to individuals who experience physical and emotional suffering and who are disbelieved when they attempt to share the cause of their suffering with others.

I feel the Cassandra Complex when discussing the effects of emotional and psychological abuse with authorities including school, Cafcass, social services and the police, and the same with acts of parent alienation, which is another complex form of emotional abuse.

Knowing that I physically shook as I typed this should be warning enough that emotional abuse is real. I find it such a shame that people will not take the ability of empathy to every situation in which abuse is discussed.

But, one day, when we have rallied enough voices and enough victims have spoken out, then we will see a change. It’s a 'whole shift' kind of change that I see starting with individuals and rippling out to families, to homes, to organisations, to every institution you can think of.